Me Hate You Long Time

“We judge others by their behavior, but we think we have special information about ourselves—we know what we are ‘really like’ inside, so we can easily find ways to explain away our selfish acts and cling to the illusion that we are better than others.”—Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis (2006)

Anger often seems to wash over us. We don’t choose to get enraged when someone cuts us off in traffic, it just happens. Likewise, we don’t choose to flush when someone insults us, nor do we choose to see red when someone screws us over. But these feelings fade with time. They have a half-life. All fires cool and eventually die when they’re deprived of fuel. One day you wake up and you’re just not that pissed off anymore. You haven’t forgotten what happened. And maybe you’re not quite ready to forgive. But the memory has lost its sting. If you want to get over it, if you want to be free of your rage, continue along this peaceful path. Let nature take its course. You’re on the Road to Recovery. But if the very idea of forgiving them makes you sick, if you’re quite sure that you do not want to get over it, come with me. If you want to learn how to be a really good hater, let me show you the way:

Step One: Fantasize About the Past: Close your eyes and think about what he or she did to you. And be as specific as possible. What did the sky look like that day? What was on the radio? What were you wearing? Fill the memory up with every last detail. Then replay it in your mind again and again and again, like that song you just can’t get enough of. If you do this for a little while, the righteous indignation will well up in you. And you’ll feel the change: it’s profoundly physiological. Your breathing gets shallow. Your heartbeat quickens. Your palms get sweaty. And your face contorts. As soon as you’ve whipped yourself up into a white hot rage, move on to Step Two.

Step Two: Fantasize About the Future: Okay, now I want you to close your eyes and imagine how you’re going to get back at this person, how you’re going to get revenge. If you’re going to tell them off in front of a room full of people, prepare the speech in your mind. What words are you going to use? Think about how good it’s going to feel to humiliate that person, to watch them suffer. It’s your revenge fantasy: fill it up with juicy details. And be as specific as possible. Then replay it in your mind again and again and again. Once again, the effects of this perverse form of cognitive behavioral therapy are profoundly physiological: your pupils dilate, a demonic grin spreads across your face, and pleasure centers in your brain are activated. You feel energized, alive, and possessed by a passion that’s undeniably pleasant. Presto! As if by magic, you’re in hate!

Strange as it may sound, long-term romantic love seems to be sustained by the same willful cognitive processes. We don’t choose who we fall in love with. It just happens. That’s why the image of Cupid slinging his arrows into the backsides of hapless innocents makes so much intuitive sense to us. You meet someone, lock eyes with them, and—BANG! BOOM! CRASH!—you’re powerfully drawn to them. But alas, this kind of intoxicating love fades, like rage, with time. One day you wake up and you’re just not “in love” with your partner in that crazy way you were in the beginning. Don’t get me wrong, you still love them, you’re still attracted to them, and you still want to be with them. It’s just that you find it easier and easier to focus on other things (e.g., work, school, friends, family, yourself, etc.).

To some extent this is healthy. But if you’re committed to the relationship, if you want to stay with this person, being passive about your love isn’t wise. Love can slip through your fingers if you’re careless of heart. If you want to be a serial monogamist, go with the flow, let your love fade, and move on to the next flower. But if the very idea of breaking up with Mr. or Mrs. Right makes you sick, if you’re quite sure that you do not want to get over this person, come with me. If you want to know how to love somebody long time, let me show you the way:

Step One: Fantasize About the Past: Close your eyes and think about all of the good times you’ve had with this person. And be as specific as possible. What did the sky look like that day? What was on the radio? What were you wearing? Fill up each one of these memories with delicious details. The more the merrier! Then replay these beautiful memories in your mind again and again and again, like that song you just can’t get enough of. If you do this for a little while, the magic of love will well up in you. And you’ll feel the change: it’s profoundly physiological. Your breathing gets deeper. Your heartbeat quickens. And a sweet smile spreads across your face. Now it’s time to move on to Step Two.

Step Two: Fantasize About the Future: Okay, now I want you to close your eyes and imagine all of the good times you’re going to have with this person in the future: vacations, kids, grandchildren, growing old together, and all the rest. Think about how good it’s going to feel to be with this particular person for the rest of your life. It’s your future, your fantasy: so fill it up with tons of juicy details. And be as specific as possible. Then replay it in your mind again and again and again. Once again, the effects of this cognitive behavioral therapy are profoundly physiological: your pupils dilate, your skin tingles, and your body feels enveloped by a warm glow. You feel energized, alive, and possessed by a passion that’s undeniably pleasant. Presto! As if by magic, you’re in love!