Everybody’s Full-Time Now

The vast majority of the conflict I see in relationships stems, not from a mismatch between those who want serious commitment and those who do not, but from a mismatch between those who are looking for the relationship equivalent of part-time work, and those who are looking for the relationship equivalent of full-time work.

People who are looking for the relationship equivalent of part-time work are looking for a committed relationship that’s a part—the most important part, mind you, but still just a part—of a full life, which includes, among other things, plenty of time for friends, plenty of time for family (their family), and plenty of time to pursue professional success.

People who are looking for the relationship equivalent of full-time work are looking for their soulmate, for the missing half of their soul. They’re looking for what Aristophanes describes in Plato’s Symposium. And when they find it—in you, and with you—they want to be more than just your #1; they want to be your #1, #2, #3, #4, and #5.

Dating sites have always asked users if they’re looking for something serious or something casual. But it’s time to take this self-selection process a step further by asking users what “something serious” means to them.

Since the coronavirus pandemic hit, a lot of couples that were effectively part-time have become full-time due to the quarantine. So far as I can tell, this seems to be driving those who prefer a “part-time lover” crazy.

My friend Harry maintains that there will be a spike in breakups and divorces during and after this pandemic. Many couples are going to realize that they don’t really like each other very much. Going to work provides many people with a much-needed break from their significant other. They’re not going to have that break anymore. As somebody said on Facebook the other day: “We used to be soulmates, now we’re cellmates.”

—John Faithful Hamer, Social Distancing (2020)