People Are Trying: A Selection from Jim Jefferies’s Intolerant (2020)

“My father’s a 78-year-old man from rural Australia, and when we were growing up, I heard him say the occasional homophobic slur. When he was young, uh, being gay was a mental illness. He’s a product of his environment. But two years ago, Australia had a referendum, where they voted on gay marriage, and my father voted “yes.” And that’s because I spent time talking to him, going, “Dad, it’s the right thing.” And then my dad said, “Well, I guess they deserve to be as miserable as the rest of us.” [laughter] Now, because my father has done this one forward-thinking thing in his entire life, my dad now thinks he is woke as fuck. [laughter] And my dad says sentences like this. “I’ve got no problems with the gays, they can do whatever they want, in their own homes, behind closed doors, as long as they don’t try to involve me.” [laughter] And I’m always like, “Dad, are they trying to involve you?” Is there a scenario where there’s two gay fellas in the inner suburbs of Sydney, one’s strapped up to a bed with a fucking gag ball in his mouth, the other one’s lubing up his fist, and he’s about to enter, and just as he’s about to go in, this fella goes… [muffled screaming] And he goes, “What’s that, mate?” “Maybe we should try to involve Gary Jefferies.” [laughter] “Oh, that’s a brilliant idea. Why didn’t I think of that?” He unstraps him. They get in their Honda Civic, and they fucking drive. [laughter] It’s a Friday night in Sydney, it’s raining, you’ve got to get around the harbor, it’s fucking– traffic’s horrendous. It takes them an hour 15. They get out to the house where my dad lives. My dad’s just sitting there, watching rugby league. [laughter] He hears a knock on the door. [laughter] [laughter continues] “That’s the second time this month. [laughter] I told you not to involve me.” [laughter]

Now, I was, uh, touring in Sydney earlier this year, and I did that routine. My father was in the audience, and he’d brought along all of his bowling friends. My father plays lawn bowls, uh, every day, uh, which is like, uh, curling but with a ball and… You’ll figure it out. Anyway… So he brought these, like, eight mates, and all of his mates were aged between 70 and 90. Right? All these blokes fucking went along. And then my dad came backstage, they’re all sinking piss backstage. My dad comes up to me and goes, “Yeah, I enjoyed the show. Yeah, it was a good show. Good show. Different jokes you’re doing now. Uh… I didn’t like that bit about me and the two gay fellas. I didn’t.” [laughter] And I didn’t understand why, and it turned out the reason he was upset, not because I spoke about him maybe having sex with two men, but because his friends found out that he voted “yes” for gay marriage. [laughter] And now… And now all of his mates take the piss out of him, right? Every time they go to do their shoelaces, they’re like, “Will you marry me, Gary?” [laughter]

That’s the thing about my dad, man, he’s trying. At his age, he’s still trying to be progressive and all that type of stuff. And here’s the problem, with young people, right. So… so, he’s backstage, he’s having a few beers, he’s voted yes for gay marriage. Everyone’s teasing him a bit. And then my dad, at 78, says, “Oh, yeah, I’m good with the gays, I like the gays.” And then he goes, “I don’t know about those trans people.” And then a person I know started going, “Well, you’re transphobic. You’re transphobic.” And I was like, “All right, everyone settle the fuck down. [laughter] Settle down.” And I said, “This guy just got used to gay people yesterday. [laughter] Let him have his fucking victory lap. You’re going to scare him off, you cunt.” [laughter] Like, let him be old, you cunt. He goes like this, “Gay people are okay.” And then you go, “Chicks with dicks,” and he’s like, “Fuck off.” [laughter]

This is the thing about being progressive and being woke and all that fucking bullshit, right? The-the-the young generations, the millennials, what you’re missing out on is… Let old people be fucking old, right? They’ll be dead soon enough, right? Stop fucking making everyone move as fast as you’re fucking moving, all right? People are trying.”—Jim Jefferies, Intolerant (2020)