How to Identify Someone’s Class Origin in Less than 30 Seconds

To identify someone’s class origin in less than 30 seconds, compliment them on something they’re wearing and carefully evaluate their response. If they were brought up rich, they’ll say “thank you.” Was it on special? Maybe. But who cares? Was it expensive? Maybe. But who cares? They liked the sweater and bought it. End of story. The price was never an issue. Someone who was brought up rich doesn’t feel the need to prove to you that they’re rich. Nor do they feel the need to prove to you that they’re good with money. People who were born rich don’t think about money much. This leads some of them to become clueless rich twits who are shockingly out-of-touch with the lived reality of the non-rich. But it can also, at times, lead to a kind of lofty spirituality, a high-mindedness, which is undeniably noble, and, alas, increasingly rare in 21st-century North America.

If the person in question has money now but was brought up poor, they’ll want you to know how much they paid for it. People who grew up poor desperately want you to know that they’re no longer poor. That’s why they wear overpriced name-brand clothing all the time. That’s why they have a raven-like fascination with all things glittery, gaudy, and gold. That’s why the nouveau riche chase after bling and McMansions and sunny vacations with a ferocity that borders on insanity. That’s why they’re still living paycheck-to-paycheck despite the fact that they’re pulling in six figures. That’s why they’re driving down the street on a new motorcycle despite the fact that they’re three months behind on their mortgage. That’s why you see them at work wearing those fancy shoes despite the fact that they can’t make this month’s rent. And that’s why—no matter how much money they make—they never seem to have any retirement savings. I once saw a kid in inner-city Baltimore wearing an expensive sports cap with the price dangling from a string. In my naïveté, I thought he had forgotten to remove it. But alas, I was wrong. That was the style of the moment: keep the price tag on so everyone knows exactly how much you spent on that hat. Rarely have I seen a person’s class origin made manifest in such an obvious manner.

If the person you just complimented was brought up middle-class, they’ll want you to know how little they paid for it. The middle class has always sought to differentiate itself from the wasteful rich and the wasteful poor. “We are the careful, hardworking, frugal ones.”—this is their greatest source of pride, their central and defining conceit. “We weren’t born with silver spoons in our mouths, goddammit! We didn’t inherit our money like those spoiled rich brats over there. We earned every penny of what we have. And we’re smart with our money. We save and budget and look for specials (even when we don’t need to). Unlike the wasteful poor, we don’t spend all of our money on beer and cigarettes and lottery tickets.”

Paying full-price is for the middle-class moralist what a mortal sin was for the medieval Catholic. This makes them especially zealous comparison shoppers who will readily waste an entire Saturday driving around from mall to mall just to save $20 on a toaster oven. You might be tempted to remind them that life is short, that the day would have been better spent at home, playing with the kids. And you might be tempted to point out that they probably burned far more than $20 in gas on their day-long suburban pilgrimage. But don’t bother because they’ll hear none of it. Trying to reason with a zealous comparison shopper is, I’ve discovered, about as pointless as trying to reason with a Christian fundamentalist. Besides, in their heart of hearts, they’d rather lose money on gas than overpay for that toaster oven! As such, when you compliment a person who grew up middle class, they invariably tell you that they didn’t—god-forbid—pay full price! They got it on special. It was 50% off or 75% off or TWO-FOR-ONE.

The spiritual victory of middle-class values in North America has been nothing short of astounding. Even the ultra-rich Bill Gates drives a sensible car and walks around in khakis; and, in so doing, signals that he’s still spiritually middle-class, despite the money. By contrast, the hip-hop star’s bling signals that he remains—psychologically speaking—a product of poverty, despite the millions.