You’re Being an Asshole: A Selection from Louis CK’s Live at the Comedy Store (2015)

“I was at a place eating dinner in New York and I heard these two women talking and one of them is talking about the guy she’s dating. They were about 21 years old, like, NYU students, and she’s talking about the guy she’s dating. . . . And she runs down the stuff that’s not satisfying, the things she doesn’t like. She’s like:

‘He’s just, you know, I text him, and he, like, he doesn’t, like, respond right away. And then, when he does, it’s like, whatever, so that’s weird. And then, like, I saw him and he’s just being weird. And so then he, like, calls me, and he’s like, “I’m sorry I’m weird. It’s, like, weird, right now.” And I was like, whatever. And then we had sex. And it’s just weird.’

And then I’m listening because I wanted to know, what’s her friend gonna say? I want to know what kind of friend she has, you know. And her friend just says: ‘He’s a piece of shit. He’s a piece of shit. He’s not good enough for you, because you’re amazing. You’re amazing. So he just can’t handle how amazing you are.’

And I remember thinking, that is a shitty friend. That’s not a good friend. That is not a good way to approach life. ‘I’m amazing! And anybody who doesn’t text me back just can’t handle how amazing I am.’ I mean, she’s a student. . . . She’s not Nelson Mandela, she’s in college. I’m sure she’s fine, but, you’re amazing, the way you . . . take classes. . . . What’s so amazing about that? She’s kinda boring, he’s kind of a douche—so it’s fine. They’re fine.

You need to know that you’re boring a little bit. It’s important. Self-love is a good thing, but self-awareness is more important. You need to, once in a while, go: Oh, I’m kind of an asshole. You have to have that thought once in a while, or you’re a psychopath.

You know, like, when you say to a friend of yours ‘You’re being an asshole’ and they’re like, ‘No, I’m not.’ Well, it’s not up to you if you’re an asshole or not. That’s up to everybody else. You don’t get to say no to that. ‘You’re an asshole.’ ‘No, I’m not.’ ‘Oh, sorry, I thought . . . . Okay, well, I’m glad I checked. I guess you’re not.’ If somebody tells you you’re an asshole, you should go, ‘Oh, shit, alright, what happened? How did I get here?’”—Louis CK, Live at the Comedy Store (2015)